You read it here first. Yes, indeed, the Senator’s spine is missing! What this writer is calling the Nevada mystery of the year, and what the R-J won’t cover: Senator Dean Heller’s spine is nowhere to be seen, and when confronted by the malice and incompetence of Donald Trump’s nominees, the senator collapsed like a jellyfish and slid between the cracks in his office floor, out of sight, out of reach, and out of phone range of his constituents.
According to the Los Angeles Times, Donald Trump’s immigration orders mean that as many as eight million undocumented migrants “could be considered priorities for deportation.” The Times describes how “people could be booked into custody for using food stamps or if their child receives free school lunches.”
Many of these people could be Nevadans. This could mean children wrenched from school, or else separated from their parents. Our neighbors could disappear. Co-workers could vanish.
But no matter! Heller has time to comment on the Super Bowl and beat the war drums with Iran. Just don’t ask him about attacks on refugees, migrants, financial regulation, healthcare, clean air and water, public education, or the Swamp Cabinet!
There are certainly other possible explanations for the Senator’s invertebrate like behavior in the face of these threats to Nevada citizens. His gut went for a walk. Stephen “Bedsheet” Bannon made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. Betsy’s naughty brother Erik had his mercenaries abduct Heller and replace him with a mannequin. Which of course begs the question of how we’d be able to tell. I, however, firmly believe that the Senator lacks a spine.
This raises several burning questions.
How did Heller lose his spine? Was it misplaced by a baggage handler at McCarran Airport? Is it being kept in a very small box in a vault at Goldman Sachs? Did Ben Carson remove it, and did the brain surgeon take more than Senator Heller’s backbone? Did a grizzly bear bite it out during a school visit?
Are invertebrates eligible to serve? Will Heller’s staff have to carry him in a briefcase? How can he genuflect to Trump without a spine? Is he hiding behind his beard? Why do Nevadans put up with this absurdity?
Stay tuned, as this blog continues its relentless investigation into these and other burning questions. Next week...scientists marvel over Senator Heller’s ability to wield rubber stamp without a spine!