Friday, November 25, 2011

London 2012

The Independent describes how unmanned drones might be used to police London’s Olympic Games, noting that some police forces have already experimented with drones (rather unsuccessfully in the case of the Merseyside force, whose drone fell into the river).

The Games might also feature surface-to-air missiles and helicopter-borne RAF snipers.  Police will be empowered to crack down on protesters and even to enter people’s homes to confiscate posters!

I can just imagine...


 “Usain Bolt is coming down the home stretch, ahead of the competition by miles, looking to set a new world record...” 


“Oh my God!  What’s just happened?  Bolt appears to have been hit by an unidentified flying object that just dropped out of the sky!” 

“Was it a bird?  A Marabou Stork, perhaps?  A Royal Albatross?”  

“Must have at least been a Great Bustard, the way he dropped when it hit ‘im”.

“No, I think it was some kind of a plane...a Ryanair jet?” 

“Actually we’re getting word from the medics on the field that it appears to have been an unmanned drone...”


“Well, Jim, in concession to Britain’s having transformed itself into a police state for the occasion of the Olympics, the organisers have added a sport.  It’s called ‘Kettle if you Can’, and involves a group of competitors trying to leap over the heads of police in riot gear who close in on them waving batons”. 

“Sounds like it should be a gripping addition, Tom, I can’t wait to see it”.

“I understand they were also considering introducing a stamina-based event in which competitors could be water-boarded, pepper-sprayed, or billy-clubbed (their choice) until they gave in, but this was nixed on account of the Human Rights Act”.

“Real wonder those Europeans have gone so soft.  This will undoubtedly fuel right-wingers' calls to repeal the act".


“I hear they’ve released the Prince of Wales after he was arrested on suspicion of conspiring to protest when police got wind that he had made a speech on the “Greening of the Games” last week.  He’s going to be awarding medals this afternoon”. 

“That’s wonderful.  We’ll all need a little pick-me-up after seeing yesterday’s medal-winners shot at the podium as they received their medals”. 

“Ah, you’ll be referring to the unfortunate incident in which the RAF snipers hovering over the stadium mistakenly shot the medallists instead of the man in the audience who they believed to be Osama bin Laden”. 

“Yes, that’s right.  We should all be thankful for the poor marksmanship on the part of the snipers, as the medallists were only wounded.  A terrible mistake”. 

“Yes, such a tragedy.  Do they seem to have learnt any lessons from yesterday’s tragedy?” 

“Absolutely...all the athletes are now wearing bullet-proof vests.  It's expected to shave a second or two off some of the swimming times, but you just can't be too careful”.

“Well, thank goodness for that.  But what I can’t understand is why they thought it was bin Laden.  He’s been dead for over a year now”. 

“Well, the snipers had apparently made the mistake of watching a recent U.S. Republican Party debate in which President Obama was accused of faking the death of bin Laden and hiding him in the White House”.

“What?!  Obama and Osama are the same person?”

“No, Obama is accused of hiding Osama!”

“Oh, I see.  Sorry Jim, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of the helicopters”.


“I have to say, we’ve seen impressively few disruptions during the Games.  Where do you suppose all the demonstrators have got to?” 

“Well, half of the country has been hired by the Met, and they’re sleeping outside the doors of the other half.  I understand they’re also periodically entering people’s homes and taking down any Che Guevara posters they can find”. 


“Have you heard how Mayor Johnson is recovering?”

“I understand he is doing well, considering”.

“For those of you just joining us, London’s Mayor Boris Johnson took part in yesterday’s I’m-full-of-hot-air balloon race—the first London Mayor to compete in an Olympic event...another one of these new events, Jim—when he was shot down by a surface-to-air missile upon being mistaken for an al-Qaeda dirigible”.

“That’s right...I understand that the Government are blaming Ken Livingstone for phoning in a false-report and have placed him under house arrest...”

“Indeed, although the more cynical are suggesting that Cameron, said to fear that Johnson will challenge him for the party leadership, ordered the strike himself.  And indeed, Johnson has been critical of the Prime Minister in recent weeks, accusing him of going easy in his policing of the Games...”

“I don’t know if that’s entirely fair.  I’ll admit, I haven’t seen anyone crushed by a tank, but David Cameron has sent a strong and robust message to people right ‘round the world that he’s willing to go to great lengths to defend the entertainment of the few against the rights of the many, and that there is nothing the courageous British people aren’t happily willing to sacrifice so that people can enjoy a few weeks of fun and games on the television at the expense of their sacred liberties”.

“Well said, Jim!  I don’t think Cameron could have put it any better himself!”

“Of course he couldn’t have...his press office wrote that”.

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